Thunderbolts End Up Feeling The Effects Of Doubleheader

As noted prior to last weekend's season-opening doubleheader, the Texas Thunderbolts had some tough decisions to make regarding which players to send to which game. Fortunately, the road game against the Turf Hounds was also in Texas, so Coach Tony Fox got a little creative in his gameplan for last week.

Concerned about the Turf Hounds' starting QB Vince Young and his mobility, Fox sent the entire starting defense, including Jamal Williams and Shawne Merriman (pictured left, with Tomlinson, Gates, Lorenzo Neal, and Hanik Milligan at the 2005 Pro Bowl) on the road to try and contain Young. It worked as the T-Bolts held Young to only 16 points and defeated the Turf Hounds by a score of 162-138. At home, however, the Silver Hammers' starting QB Tony Romo had a huge game against the 2nd-string defense, scoring 63 points and single-handedly led the Hammers to a 162-162 tie against the T-Bolts.

It's a good thing that the Thunderbolts defense knew what was going on, because if things had been left entirely to the offense, the T-Bolts just might have had an 0-2 record right now instead of 1-0-1. Here's some of the mistakes and miscommunications made by some of the T-Bolts offense.

About an hour prior to gametime, the Thunderbolts' coaching staff noticed that WR Reggie Brown was nowhere to be found at either stadium. Coach Fox asked for a volunteer to go to Brown's house and try to find him. As reported in an earlier article by the Texas Times, Brown (right) is notorious for getting sidetracked by playing with his massive collection of MacFarlane NFL action figures and losing all sense of time. This is just one of the reasons that Brown's nickname is the Mental Midget.

Just before gametime, RB Jerious Norwood left the Thunderdome to go to Brown's house. Halfway there, he ran out of gas. So Norwood called Chester Taylor, who by this time had already carried the ball three times and had one reception (wow...two points), and explained the situation. Chester told Norwood to call AAA, but, of course, Jerious had let his membership expire. So Chester did what every best-friend would do. He left the game - while still in his full uniform - and filled a 10-gallon plastic gasoline canister (left) with gas to take to Norwood...forgetting that Norwood drives a diesel-fueled vehicle. So then, they had to make another trip to get the right kind of gasoline.

Meanwhile, Brown came out of his trance-like state, realized that he was extremely late for the game and arrived with 30 seconds left, which was just enough time to catch one pass for 14 yards (again...two whole points). By the time Taylor and Norwood returned, after a side-trip to McDonald's, the game had long been over and Taylor was complaining about a tummyache, or a strained oblique, or something like that. (Update: Taylor's status for the Thunderbolts' Week Two game against the Wild Bunch is questionable as he is actually suffering from a sprained stomach from eating 16 Big Macs and 4 1/2 Quarter Pounders with Cheese during the game last Sunday.)

Surprisingly enough, this wasn't even the largest fiasco for the Thunderbolts last Sunday. Thunderbolts' Equipment Manager Moron McGoober (pictured right, carefully taking precise measurements for facemasks) idiotically issued a jersey to starting quarterback Drew Brees that did not have a right armhole. Backup quarterback Philip Rivers' jersey actually had no headhole or armholes at all, so playing Rivers in place of Brees wasn't an option at all.

Despite having to play the entire game left-handed and having balance issues due to his right arm being pinned to his side, Brees (pictured left in his ill-fitted jersey) still managed to score 29 points, a minor miracle given the circumstances. Also, due to the limitations placed on Brees, all running plays to LaDainian Tomlinson and passing plays to Antonio Gates and Andre Johnson had to happen on the left side of the field. Amazingly enough, both the Turf Hounds' and the Silver Hammers' defenses never quite seemed to catch on to this as the Big Three combined for 82 points by only using the left-half of the field.

Needless to say, McGoober has been terminated and the Thunderbolts are expecting to have fully-functioning jerseys next week against the Wild Bunch.

Thunderbolts desperate to find solution to double-header dilemma

Inspired by the recent revelation of the fleet of DeLorean time-travel machines to be used exclusively by the Maxwell's Silver Hammers in order to allow the Hammers' starters to be "in two places at once", the Texas Thunderbolts have been searching both far and wide for an acceptable alternative to allow the T-Bolts to be "dually-located" and therefore, be able to use their starters in both games. This is simply too big an advantage for one team to have over the rest of the FFFL.

Initially, the Thunderbolts hired a team of "creative consultants" to try and devise a similar plan that would allow the T-Bolts to reap the benefits of time-travelling automobiles. These consultants, known in certain circles as the A-Team (below), were believed to have been successful in creating a time-traveling vehicle 20 years ago by using a black 1980 Dodge van with a spoiler and a red, diagonal pinstripe. However,on that fateful night in 1987, the A-Team's prototype time-traveling van was sent on a mission and vanished with the A-Team aboard, only to reappear last Tuesday, virtually destroyed. Since then, the A-Team has tried using both a Ford Pinto and a Chevrolet Chevette to house the time-travel unit, but neither automobile could sustain a top speed of even 50 mph, let alone reach the required minimum of 88 mph needed for time-travel. Unfortunately, this wasn't discovered until the A-Team had spent their project's entire budget allotment on the Pinto, Chevette, and a 12-pound 24-carat gold necklace. Clearly, this was not the way to go and the Thunderbolts and the A-Team have since parted ways.

Several of the other FFFL teams have had better luck in their quest. As recently as yesterday, the Wild Bunch announced an deal with AT&T for the exclusive use of a group of time-traveling telephone booths to be piloted by Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan (right). This definately got the attention of the Thunderbolts executives as this allows both of the Thunderbolts opponents for Week 1 to be able to be at full strength for their respective games.

There is also the deal between the Agate Types and Dr. Sam Beckett (right) involving the use of his invention, the Quantum Leap accelerator. This agreement is considered very risky as there is no guarantee that the Agate Type players will actually end up at the site of their Week 1 road game versus the Curley Wolves. Even if, by some miracle, the Types do make it there, immediately after the game, the Types would have to work together with a hologram named Al to put right what went wrong and then hope that each time they leap that their next leap would be the leap that sends them home.

A rather unique approach is being tried by the Las Cruces Fightin' Powder Puffs as they have been speaking to Doug Kinney and his three clones, Lance, Rico, and Steve (left) about the process of cloning some of the Powder Puffs' players in order to be able to play both games simultaneously. Personally, to me, this method reeks of desperation and should only be considered as a last resort. Although, four LaDainian Tomlinsons on The Texas Thunderbolts' team roster would be VERY nice indeed!

Thunderbolts split first two preseason games

On the evening of Sunday August 12th, the Texas Thunderbolts hosted the Rich Chemistry on NBC at the Thunderdome to open the 2007 FFFL preseason. As is his usual preseason mantra, LaDainian Tomlinson was in street clothes, leaving Michael Turner (left) as the starting running back. The Thunderbolts' defense started off slowly as the Chemistry took the opening drive right down the field for an early seven points. Overall, the Chemistry seemed to be the "less rusty" team and generally outplayed their hosts in winning 24-16.

On Saturday, the Thunderbolt's traveled to the Dawg Pound to play the Texas Turf Hounds in preseason week two action on CBS. The Thunderbolts were much more impressive as both the offense and defense looked a lot like the 2006 regular season Thunderbolts, who led the FFFL with an 11-2 record. Philip Rivers (right) had the team clicking for the entire first half as the Thunderbolts led the Turf Hounds 14-3 at the intermission. The reserves played just as well in the second half as the Thunderbolts went on to win by a score of 30-13.

Two opponents remain on the Thunderbolts preseason schedule as the T-Bolts travel to Paradise Pond Park to play the War Ducks next weekend and then finish up the preseason by hosting the Powder Puffs at the Thunderdome. Hopefully the Thunderbolts continue to improve each week and are fully ready when the season arrives.

FFFL Network To Broadcast From Thunderbolts' Training Camp

Be sure to tune in to the FFFL Network next Thursday night at 7pm as they broadcast live from the Texas Thunderbolts' training camp from inside the Thunderdome in Arlington.

FFFL Network hosts Keith Jackson and Dan Fouts will be discussing the Thunderbolts prospects for the 2007 season, including both the offense and the defense. Several Thunderbolt players will be interviewed and at least a couple of the Thunderbolts will be wearing microphones during practice.

It should make for an interesting time, so if you can't make it out to the Dome on Thursday, then turn on the tv to channel 21212 on DirecTv. Set the TiVo if you have to.

2007 FFFL Preview

Now that the Fox's Fantasy Football League has completed its annual draft and all twelve teams have a full compliment of 15 players on their roster, it's time to take a look into the crystal ball and make some predictions about what will happen this season. As a reminder, the top three seeds are the three division winners and the remaining number 4 through number 8 seeds are determined by record, using head-to-head as the first tiebreaker and total points scored as the second tiebreaker.

First, we look at the Juggernaut Division. This division could very well be the toughest from top to bottom and clearly the class of this division is the Curley Wolves (predicted record of 11-3), whom many feel had the best draft this year. Next is the Peon Gorillas (8-6), barely edging out the Texas Turf Hounds (7-7) and then the expansion War Ducks (5-9). This division should definately send three teams to the playoffs.

Next is the Immortal Division. Last years champion, Rich Chemistry (9-5), hails from this division and is the slight favorite to claim the division title in 2007. Nipping on their heels is the Las Cruces Fightin' Powder Puffs (8-6) and the Leathernecks (7-7), both of who should fight the Rich Chemistry in a tight divisional race that should very well go down to the wire. The expansion Maxwell's Silver Hammers (4-10) certainly have their work cut out for them if they plan to stay out of the cellar. This division will also almost certainly send three teams to the playoffs.

Finally, we examine the Legendary Divsion. Our own Texas Thunderbolts (9-5) are the preseason slight favorites to win the division, followed very closely by the Ruskies (8-6). The Wild Bunch (6-8) should be able to claim third place over the expansion Agate Types (2-12), but will it be enough for the Bunch to make the playoffs? Our crystal ball says no.

The crystal ball also tells us that this year's winner will be...the Curley Wolves over the Texas Thunderbolts in the FFFL Championship game. This would be the first time that someone other than the Texas Thunderbolts or the Rich Chemistry has won the FFFL championship in the last five years.

Of course, all of this is pure conjecture and could easily be 100% wrong, but it's that time of year when predictions are made and fans yearn for the opening kickoff, which never seems to get here early enough. Are you ready for some football? Bring it on, I say!

Thunderbolts are successful in a wild and wacky draft

The 2007 Fox's Fantasy Football League draft was held Friday night in Arlington and the twists and turns that occurred kept the league owners on their toes and made for a very interesting evening for those in attendance. Here's what happened for the Thunderbolts in a nutshell.

The draft started out with nine of the first eleven picks being at running back, including the Thunderbolts selection of Jerious Norwood. Taken perhaps a little bit earlier than expected, Norwood (also known as Bigg Daddy RB!) should form a very good one-two pairing at running back with LaDainian Tomlinson. Other running backs selected by the Thunderbolts included rookie Brandon Jackson, Michael Turner, and Chester Taylor. Jackson, especially, is considered a high-risk/high-reward type player.

In the second round, there were eight wide receivers taken and the Thunderbolts were no exception, selecting Andre Johnson, who led the league in receptions with 103 last season. Johnson should be a very solid wideout and the other receivers drafted by the Bolts include Reggie Brown, Darrell Jackson, and Greg Jennings. You may recall that Brown (also known as The Doll Whisperer) has an affinity for sports action figures that is so strong that he actually believes that he can communicate with them.

Chad Pennington was drafted to add some depth to the quarterback position and Vernon Davis is the lone tight end. There is some speculation that these two players may not be Thunderbolts for long.

The San Diego Chargers and Minnesota team defenses were the squads that were chosen to try and shut down the Thunderbolts opponents this season. Owner, GM, and Head Coach Tony Fox was especially excited to have Shawne Merriman, Shaun Phillips, Jamal Williams, and the other Chargers defenders on the Thunderbolts roster again for 2007. Fox's picture here is prior to the recent surgical procedure that completely altered his looks after last season's attempt to have everyone call him "Homey HC". Trust me, he looks totally different now. You wouldn't even recognize him.

Speaking of looks, it looks as though the Thunderbolts have drafted themselves a winning squad once again and should be competing for the Championship in December as always. Stay tuned.

Around The League

It would make sense that last year's champions, Rich Chemistry, would seem to be the popular choice to be the early favorite to be the team with the strongest keepers. However, with half of the league voting so far, that is not the case. So far, the fourth place Curley Wolves have been granted the distinction of currently being "the strongest team" with three out of the six votes. In fact, Rich Chemistry has not recorded a single vote.

Of course, all of this is entirely premature with the upcoming FFFL draft less than 48 hours away. It will certainly be interesting to see how the fortunes of the Chemistry, the Wolves, and the other 10 FFFL teams fare at the draft Friday night.